That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Twitter remains undefeated
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.