I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
had to make it
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.