It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Netflix: We have Less
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”