Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

LOL!

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.