Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.