My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.