If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
When someone says you are so lazy
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book