@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

You Might Also Like

@OakHill_

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

@alfageeek

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@Awesome_Todd

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

@ddsmidt

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

@orangecrushable

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.