I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

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I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.


I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.


Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)


A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.


The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute


Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls


If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*


[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]


My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.