I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
This kid is going places
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys