Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
You Might Also Like
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me