Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
<—- homeless romantic
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
They’re on their honeymoon
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.