Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
me irl
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.