Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
WHY?!