Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
had to make it
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat