What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.