You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.