Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
peak technology
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.