Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.