At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what