I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them