My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
😂😂😂
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly