why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.