Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Name another movie that mislead you?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
No way!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English