*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
this isn’t threatening at all
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
✌🏽
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie