So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Not recommended for beginners.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Don’t forget to tip your server
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha