I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Happy Friday
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case