If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Otters see a butterfly.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Meat Cute
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.