*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.