Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

This is my cat’s medicine.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.