My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
the greatest twitter interaction
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
the rocks need my help
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.