Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.