Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know