“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Rt to bother an English speaker
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Cashiers are always checking me out
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.