“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal![]()
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
had to share :’)
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Our lord and savoury.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!