Our lord and savoury.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.