I have so many questions.
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me