I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
is it earth
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed