Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.