You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Breaking news:
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.