Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
A French press is when you hug naked
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses