Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
all that yoga finally paid off
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service