Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back