Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
![]()
You Might Also Like
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.