I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.