Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Godspeed, John Glenn

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.