[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
How long do you have to wait between naps?