[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
They’re stuck in your pants?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”