Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.