Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

🏠

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.