@CrackedIllusion

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

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@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

@chopper4jk

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

@FivePointsVids

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

@notfaizzy

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.