Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?