Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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Bill is short for Billiam
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
ACED my prostate exam!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.