Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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Spell check is for lasers.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait