Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Left at a local drug store…
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
three things we don’t talk about
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*