Bill is short for Billiam
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Can’t, holding a grudge
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
They got a point!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the