Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.


Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.


How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*


Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog


Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
[Priest faints]


I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.


My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.


“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins