Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
cyclists
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer