“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
What’s so funny?
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
doing your own taxes
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.