“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
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when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.