I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Hmmmmm
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.