After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I don’t make the rules sorry
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.