Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways