At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
BRO LMFAO
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Finally, an explanation.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”